so a few days ago i binged and purged for the first time in weeks and hated it, i felt awful and thought it would be the last time ever. but awfully i did it again tonight, forgive me Ana and please guide me back to your path. I feel terrible, like the fat bloated whale that i am, disgusting with my oozing flesh and guzzling mouth. I need more cigarettes, when i have one i dont want to eat and i feel in control. I need that control in my fucked up life. My skin is a mess, my mind even worse and my heart can barely stand the pain anymore. if anyone feels the same just say and i'll be there for you, Ana knows i wish someone was there for me.
Also sorry for the whining.
-J xx
Friday, 24 May 2013
Thursday, 9 May 2013
My goals
So I just spent the last half hour or so working all this out and I hope that maybe some of you may find this helpful maybe. Anyway even if you don't good luck to you all and keep dreaming because one day you will make it. Ana please help me to reach my goals.
X
Weight goal (lbs)
|
Ammount to lose (lbs)
|
Calories to burn
|
Total amount to lose (lbs)
|
Total calories to burn
|
120
|
5
|
17500
|
5
|
17500
|
118
|
2
|
7000
|
7
|
24500
|
115
|
3
|
10500
|
10
|
35000
|
112
|
3
|
10500
|
13
|
45500
|
110
|
2
|
7000
|
15
|
52500
|
108
|
2
|
7000
|
17
|
59500
|
105
|
3
|
10500
|
20
|
70000
|
103
|
2
|
7000
|
22
|
77000
|
100
|
3
|
10500
|
25
|
87000
|
97
|
3
|
10500
|
28
|
98000
|
95
|
2
|
7000
|
30
|
105000
|
93
|
2
|
7000
|
32
|
112000
|
90
|
3
|
10500
|
35
|
122500
|
87
|
3
|
10500
|
38
|
133000
|
85
|
2
|
7000
|
40
|
140000
|
84
|
1
|
3500
|
41
|
143500
|
82
|
2
|
7000
|
43
|
150500
|
80
|
2
|
7000
|
45
|
157500
|
Calories burned per day
|
Days till goal
|
100
|
1575
|
200
|
788
|
300
|
525
|
400
|
394
|
500
|
315
|
600
|
268
|
700
|
225
|
800
|
197
|
900
|
175
|
1000
|
158
|
1100
|
144
|
1200
|
132
|
1300
|
122
|
1400
|
113
|
1500
|
105
|
1600
|
99
|
1700
|
94
|
1800
|
88
|
1900
|
83
|
2000
|
79
|
Monday, 6 May 2013
Disgust
So today was awful.
It started out well enough, boring but with little food and a few hours of mucking about with weights and leg lifts. Everything was fine actually. I was active and abstinent until I got home from my mates house at 10:30. i started out with a little soup, a bunch of different flavours. Then I started feeling sick so I thought I'll just throw this all up, safe to say that thought kicked my purger into overdrive, before I knew it I was swallowing half a tub of frozen yoghurt and guzzling a hot chocolate along with oozing, greasy, fatty cheese. I purged, it came up easily due to the vast amounts of liquid and I'm pretty sure i didn't absorb many calories but I am so disgusted. Ana forgive me for I have sinned. I vow never to do so again, I swear it for I am a obscene beast that must be punished. I must become perfect, tiny and thin. for you Ana, for you.
It started out well enough, boring but with little food and a few hours of mucking about with weights and leg lifts. Everything was fine actually. I was active and abstinent until I got home from my mates house at 10:30. i started out with a little soup, a bunch of different flavours. Then I started feeling sick so I thought I'll just throw this all up, safe to say that thought kicked my purger into overdrive, before I knew it I was swallowing half a tub of frozen yoghurt and guzzling a hot chocolate along with oozing, greasy, fatty cheese. I purged, it came up easily due to the vast amounts of liquid and I'm pretty sure i didn't absorb many calories but I am so disgusted. Ana forgive me for I have sinned. I vow never to do so again, I swear it for I am a obscene beast that must be punished. I must become perfect, tiny and thin. for you Ana, for you.
Saturday, 4 May 2013
Disgrace
It's official. I am 125 lbs of pure disgusting fat. I am awful, a waste of too much space with no redeeming qualities. I will starve. I need too. Every part of me is appalling and terrible. To get rid of it is all i want. Can someone please just take it away. That would be heaven. But i don't deserve that. I am not worth it. I deserve the pain and disgrace of starvation. That is all that shall belong to me. Forever and always. Dear Ana, take me under your wing again and treat me as your slave. I shall follow you until my end. Until I am small and tiny and perfect and worth your attention. Until that day I will strive for perfection.
X
X
Wishing
The one good thing about feeling so awful when i see them together is that i don't want to eat. For me that's a relief at least. I want to know how much i weigh and if i'm losing but i'm too terrified to find out. Maybe if i was as skinny as her, as pretty he would look at me like he does her. But i don't mean that do i? I love her too much as a friend to want to take him away from her. Don't I? Not that that would be possible. I'm too fat and unappealing to ever attract anyone. I wish i could be like her so badly that it hurts. pressing on my chest like a dead weight. I can barely breathe with that thought in my mind. If only...
X
Friday, 3 May 2013
Messed up mind
Why do we let people in.. Let ourselves care. They're only going to leave, taking a piece of us with them. Tearing shreds of our heart out as they go.
I feel sick, right to my stomach. Seeing them together hurts like a bitch. Stinging round the edges and aching in all the wrong places. I've never felt like this before. Close but never this awful. Everything is wrong, my head feels heavy, running blanks where words should be and my chest is tight. Breathing ragged and my heart spluttering in a feeble attempt at beating.
Why did it have to be him, him of all people. It could have been anyone. And why her? I guess I'm glad it's her. If it had been anyone else I wouldn't have been able to take it. But I have to listen to her talk about them. How he says he loves her. How he's the one good thing in her life. And she knows. She knows that I like him. But not how I feel now. She thinks it will just go away, that I'll stop caring and everything will be normal. But I can't. She's my best friend. And I can't even do that for her.
Why the hell is everything so fucked up?Why am I so fucked up? I'm going to screw everything up. Wreck it all in a moment if they realise just how much this hurts. I'm so messed up. Just that bitch that's in love with her best friend's boyfriend.
X
I feel sick, right to my stomach. Seeing them together hurts like a bitch. Stinging round the edges and aching in all the wrong places. I've never felt like this before. Close but never this awful. Everything is wrong, my head feels heavy, running blanks where words should be and my chest is tight. Breathing ragged and my heart spluttering in a feeble attempt at beating.
Why did it have to be him, him of all people. It could have been anyone. And why her? I guess I'm glad it's her. If it had been anyone else I wouldn't have been able to take it. But I have to listen to her talk about them. How he says he loves her. How he's the one good thing in her life. And she knows. She knows that I like him. But not how I feel now. She thinks it will just go away, that I'll stop caring and everything will be normal. But I can't. She's my best friend. And I can't even do that for her.
Why the hell is everything so fucked up?Why am I so fucked up? I'm going to screw everything up. Wreck it all in a moment if they realise just how much this hurts. I'm so messed up. Just that bitch that's in love with her best friend's boyfriend.
X
Thursday, 2 May 2013
A word of warning before i begin...
Have you ever wanted to close your eyes and sleep for a thousand years...
I suppose many of you have, I certainly feel that way a lot. Maybe too often if I'm honest. Sometimes things are just too hard, too disfigured in the cold light of day for us to set our eyes upon. Dealing with the problems too difficult that we silently hope for darkness to close in and for everything to disappear, at least for a moment. I sometimes wish that there was a pause button for my life, for when things get too hard to cope with, so that i can take a break. To rest. To think. And sometimes just to breathe. It's not like I have a particularly hard life. I'm well off. Have a family, friends. I'm not alone. But sometimes I feel so lonely, and empty. I just want it all to stop. At least for a little while. Do any of you ever feel like that?
I shouldn't really complain. I'm basically whining. To be honest I'm not a very good person in general and this is just one of my many flaws. It goes along with my less than average looks, my inability to fall for the right person, my typical ineptitude when it comes to others emotions and my overall lack of enthusiasm for almost anything. I'm often left feeling, in a crowd of people, invisible. As if no one cares or even notices that I'm not happy, smiling, laughing or even talking. Just silent as their voices wash over me in a swirling wave of emotions that seem so far away from me, so out of my grasp that I will myself just to disappear, to fade away into the nothingness that seems to plague my existence.
Again that sounds selfish. I'm to self-associated really. I guess I shouldn't be so pitiful but I can't really stop. Just another one of my countless faults. Like crushing on my best friend's boyfriend or brother's mate, and inability to act like a normal person. I judge everything without meaning to. And question everyone when I should trust them.
I want to warn you all, if anyone actually reads this, that I'm an awful being and you shouldn't waste your time on, but even so I hope that you will. That among all this angst and melodrama there's something worth knowing about my life. Something of interest and likeable. Something less than hateful. It's your choice, though. And truthfully I wouldn't blame you if you leave now and never return. Don't spare me a thought. After all, I'm just nobody. Another ugly, not-so-little, broken thing.
X
I suppose many of you have, I certainly feel that way a lot. Maybe too often if I'm honest. Sometimes things are just too hard, too disfigured in the cold light of day for us to set our eyes upon. Dealing with the problems too difficult that we silently hope for darkness to close in and for everything to disappear, at least for a moment. I sometimes wish that there was a pause button for my life, for when things get too hard to cope with, so that i can take a break. To rest. To think. And sometimes just to breathe. It's not like I have a particularly hard life. I'm well off. Have a family, friends. I'm not alone. But sometimes I feel so lonely, and empty. I just want it all to stop. At least for a little while. Do any of you ever feel like that?
I shouldn't really complain. I'm basically whining. To be honest I'm not a very good person in general and this is just one of my many flaws. It goes along with my less than average looks, my inability to fall for the right person, my typical ineptitude when it comes to others emotions and my overall lack of enthusiasm for almost anything. I'm often left feeling, in a crowd of people, invisible. As if no one cares or even notices that I'm not happy, smiling, laughing or even talking. Just silent as their voices wash over me in a swirling wave of emotions that seem so far away from me, so out of my grasp that I will myself just to disappear, to fade away into the nothingness that seems to plague my existence.
Again that sounds selfish. I'm to self-associated really. I guess I shouldn't be so pitiful but I can't really stop. Just another one of my countless faults. Like crushing on my best friend's boyfriend or brother's mate, and inability to act like a normal person. I judge everything without meaning to. And question everyone when I should trust them.
I want to warn you all, if anyone actually reads this, that I'm an awful being and you shouldn't waste your time on, but even so I hope that you will. That among all this angst and melodrama there's something worth knowing about my life. Something of interest and likeable. Something less than hateful. It's your choice, though. And truthfully I wouldn't blame you if you leave now and never return. Don't spare me a thought. After all, I'm just nobody. Another ugly, not-so-little, broken thing.
X
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